I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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