Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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