I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
