girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
