got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
