i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
