Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Come see our sink grown plant.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
