I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
