I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
