I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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