They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
