you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
