Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
