my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
