There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
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I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
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i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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