I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
