God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
