You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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