I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
