I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
