When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
