Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
