I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
