she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
