I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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