I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
