If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
