I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
