I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
