I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
