All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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