I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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