Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
