there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
