I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Operation Purity has been aborted
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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