Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
