I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I need moral support for this bender
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
