You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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