Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
