the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
