my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
