I feel like abortions should bother me more
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
