Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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