Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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