just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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