If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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