why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
