i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
