Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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