tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
