My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
