so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat