I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.