Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
